Tuesday, February 09, 2016

Why I couldn't post pictures last night

I found myself sitting in the car last week in the parking lot outside of a store.  Jake had suggested I take some time for myself and I had a couple errands to run.  As I was sitting in the car I heard somebody on the radio talk about the book, "When God Doesn't Fix It:  Lessons You Never Wanted to Learn, Truths You Can't Live Without" by Laura Story.  The person on the radio said she started to read the book and couldn't put it down.  She then said, If you are struggling with something in your life right now and have prayed so much and God isn't "fixing" it, this may be a great book for you to check out.  I laughed out loud and asked God if he could have been any more direct.  Anyway, I bought the kindle version of the book and have been reading it the past few days whenever I get a second, and it is rocking my world.

I'm only half way done with it but it has changed my thoughts in ways I haven't thought possible.  Our youngest son was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder when he was 2.  There have been a lot of ups and downs since then.  We have learned a lot about foods he should avoid and supplements that can help him digest his food better and even what vitamins he was low on.  It's amazing.  His little body is so sensitive that an upset tummy can play a huge part in a 30 minute meltdown.  We were in a place that we got his low vitamins built back up in his body and had removed oats, which we learned he couldn't eat and he was doing awesome.  So stinking awesome.  He would go a week without screaming at home.  Then he got sick.  For about 10 days.  Started with a cold, which alone can throw off a kid with sensory troubles, then he seemed to get the stomach bug going around.  He was really sick, couldn't eat or even drink water for awhile.  Then he got "better."  Everything we had built up in his little system was wiped out and he had to start eating food again, very gradually.  He was a mess, inside and out.  It reminded me and Jake just how far he had come the past two years.  We have two older boys and they scream and throw fits, too. They can do a pretty good job, but they have nothing on our sweet little Austin.  Austin has started to hit his head on the floor again, too.  Not as much as he used to before we removed gluten and soy, but  he is still doing it.

Last night I thought it would be fun to post a picture of the boys with their cute dimples.  I hadn't posted in quite awhile so I spent probably 20 minutes trying to get the best pictures.  Isn't that ridiculous?  I finally got some I was happy with and couldn't bring myself to post them.  The boys were adorable but we had a 30 to 45 minute meltdown with Austin before supper and I wasn't feeling like I could post these sweet pictures and pretend everything in our home was just fine.  It's not.  It's hard.  I feel broken sometimes and frustrated at God for not "fixing" our sweet son.  I pray over him and ask God to just give him peace in his day.  Keep him safe and give him joy and peace.  That's not too much to ask for is it?  :) I have always said that I know God is using our sweet boy in big ways.  If things were easy and perfect that would be great, but how much would I be leaning on God if it were.  I have so far to go but I am starting to understand the depths of what I have been saying.  I often feel like Austin has to have a few good days before I give somebody an update on him or make a post about him, but I am understanding that I don't.  I can talk about the hard days.  How mad I get.  How I lose my temper and am so tired emotionally.  But after digging into this book, I see that God can use me in my brokenness.  I am starting to understand that He doesn't have to "fix" anything.  Where we are right now is just where we need to be.  God is using our life with Austin to draw me closer to Him right now.  I will be honest, I am a little nervous about what God is doing in my life right now.  I have never felt so messy and vulnerable but I feel God using it for his bigger story.  Here we go.

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